i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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