ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
