Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
