If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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