He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
