I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize