There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
