Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
