we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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