I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
