Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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