even my farts smell like vagina
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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