Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
