I'm really into asian looking animals
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
