so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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