i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
