I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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