he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
