she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
