Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
