how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
