I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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