I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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