I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
