I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
