She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
