My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
