I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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