I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
