wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
