I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
