Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm like, not good at living.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
