areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
