her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize