My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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