so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
