my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
