i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
