did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am naked and annoyed.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
