Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
