I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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