We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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