my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
