I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
