just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
