im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
