Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
