i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
