yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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