you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
