a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
