i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize