Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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