i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
