david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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