Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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