just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize