Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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