My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
